If Atheists Sounded Like Christians

Can you imagine what it would sound like if atheists started talking like Christians?

I’m not an atheist. I’m just a follower of reason.

Oh, hi, new neighbor. What library do you go to?

I love believers. I just hate their beliefs.

I have a personal relationship with reality.

You’re religious…? Oh… well, I’ll think for you.

You don’t act like a Christian. You’re really open minded.

Oh, God loves me? Well, Darwin explains you.

Axial tilt is the reason for the season.

I do good in the world because it’s the atheist thing to do.

The universe works in non-mysterious ways.

Oh, stop complaining about my beliefs. You just hate reason. But it’s okay. Reason loves you anyway.

I just found a great parking spot! Thanks, random chance!

We all have a truth-shaped hole in our brain.

Conservatives are waging a war on science!… (wait, that one makes sense.)

I know it’s frustrating that your glass shattered on the floor, but remember: Gravity has a plan for you.

I would like to thank great genes for my team’s victory tonight.

A lot of people reject atheism because they just don’t want to obey the laws of physics.

With science, all things are somewhat probable.

You don’t accept evolution? Then what’s stopping you from murdering people if you don’t think altruism guides your biological fitness?

Just because you don’t believe in evolution doesn’t mean you didn’t evolve.

Deep down, I know you really believe in the scientific method.

You don’t accept science? That’s just because you haven’t gone to the right natural history museum yet.

If you don’t accept evolution, then why do you talk about it so much?

I’m not worried about death thanks to the grace of my telomeres.

A peer-reviewed journal said, I have no reason to doubt it, that settles it… unless new evidence becomes available.

Before we eat, let’s bow our heads and give thanks to the farmers who cultivated and harvested this food.

Just you wait. When you’re on your deathbed, you’ll finally ask for medicine. I heard Thomas Aquinas recanted right before he died.

There will be fire and brimstone and Earth will be destroyed!… in several billion years.

Why don’t you just try not being delusional?

Behold! The Christian’s nightmare. Now if you study a well-made banana, you’ll find that it’s a consequence of evolution. Artificial selection, in this case.

I’ll spare you all my screams of „Oh, Darwin!“

The point is that we’d sound like jerks. Arrogant. Condescending. And that’s what a lot of Christianese sounds like, too. And credit where it’s due. I didn’t write these — most of them came from readers of my website who suggested them when I asked for ideas years ago. You can check the link below for the full article.

Now share this video with 100 people… God won’t love you and nothing will happen. It’d just be really nice of you.

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  1. #1 von deradmiral am 27. Juni 2017 - 23:03

    Quantum fluctuation shows that events happen without reason. Hence, an unmoved mover is an unnecessary oxymoron. Therefore no god.

  2. #2 von Friedensgrenze am 29. Juni 2017 - 19:47

    Also ich hab nicht alle verstanden, es ging ja auch so schnell und es waren so viele. Besonders witzig fand ich:

    gravity has a plan for you. lol 🙂